Good Day or Cranky Day

I was cranky with my husband yesterday as I tried to complete a project. In finishing I had to call a neighbor to help put boxes up on the high shelves in the garage – something Larry could have easily done in years past. As I do all this, I wonder if he is sitting there frustrated that he can’t help. Or is he so in his own world of challenges and pain that he doesn’t even notice?

I found myself very impatient, yesterday, with all his incompetencies, then guilty for my impatience. He can’t get out of a chair alone so I have to help – even with his lift chair. He was trying and couldn’t, trying to shift his weight with such ineffectiveness! So I jumped in to help before he even asked. I need to cultivate more patience – it would allow him more independence and make me feel less responsible. There’s rarely any rush.

Eating is really becoming difficult – finding the right foods, cutting them to the right size, finding the right implements. He wanted a big breakfast. But the tiny sausage pieces and home fried potato chunks kept getting stuck in the roof of his mouth. Even though I thought I’d cut everything small enough. He doesn’t have the tongue strength to move things around in his mouth easily.   So I had to keep sticking my finger in his mouth to dislodge things.

His eating is so slow that I am done way before him. Then the question becomes what do I do while he is finishing? Do I stay with him and read the paper? We can’t have a conversation because he can’t talk and eat because of the risk of choking. I have to stay close in case things get stuck or he chokes. Do I get up and start cleaning up the kitchen? What I sometimes end up doing is getting myself more food, which I don’t need, because if I’m sitting there I should be eating, right? Cultivating more patience, eating more slowing and mindfully would both help.

The real problem was that my focus was on getting my project finished, then cleaning up all the mess that made.

Whenever I have a task that takes my time and energy, I lose my patience and resilience to be available for his needs, not just physically but available emotionally, to help with grace rather than with resentment.

Lesson for the day: Ask myself whether it’s worth the price of impatience and resentment, to get the task done. Make a conscious choice with awareness of the consequences. Did I really need to get all that stuff done in one day? No! Did I think about how cranky it would make me? No. We both would have had a better day if I’d chunked the project into several days.

I try to remember that my goal now is creating a good life for both of us, one day at a time. It’s a different life with different goals.   The old way of thinking, of living, of checking off my to-do list, of putting things on my to-do list in the first place without thinking of the importance versus the consequences – that’s what messes up a good day.

Each day matters more now. It’s important to have as many good days as possible.

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