This morning, I woke early from a dream thinking Larry’s warm back was pressing against mine. I’ve dreamed that we’ve been trying to get into places together and had the wrong keys, and that we were going out together and my clothes didn’t fit. These dreams are heavy weights as I wake up and measure my grief.
Clearly my sleeping brain is trying to make sense of his death, which my awake brain can’t really do. This morning’s dream was particularly weighty as it was such a visceral reminder of all I’ve lost, damn it!
Some mornings I don’t want to get up and face the day. Other mornings, I have to get up and get away as fast as possible from the bed and my thoughts. This morning was one of the latter. I went to the beach after walking the dog.
I’ve graduated from the MSA Caregivers discussion group online to the MSA Widow/er group. Lucky me. It’s hard to read about grief stretching out seemingly endlessly in front of me. Six weeks for me. A measure of time that I guess is meaningless. It’s been 1 year, 2 years, 4 years, even 6 years for others still dealing with grief. I asked what people have done that helped. I got good answers:
- establish a new routine
- grief counseling or groups
- get a dog
- prepare for holidays, anniversaries, etc.
Ok, I’m doing all that and it hasn’t made me feel better. Takes time, you say? I’m just tired of having life be hard. I’ve had years of hard. I don’t want to do hard anymore. Can’t you just wave a magic wand and make the next 6-12 months go by?
But as I write that, I don’t really want it to happen. There’s something about the grief that for now keeps me connected with Larry in an intimate way. Something about it that honors him, honors our love for each other. Something I have to do. Not that I want to get stuck in it. NO! NO! NO!
I try to keep reminding myself of what in me will serve me well. Measures and indicators of future success surviving grief.
I have learned how to live with polarities – we figured out how to live well and enjoy life while Larry was dying. So, too, will I be able to figure out how to feel both grief and joy.
I’ve reinvented myself before, through many career directions changes, as a single mom after my divorce, as a caregiver relocated to a new state without family nearby. I have skills to re-reinvent myself now.
I’m generally a happy person and, through Larry, have learned to accept whatever comes and make the best of it.
I have lots of interests that I haven’t had a lot of time for. I’ve been painting and trying pastels for the first time. I’ve enjoyed that. I got new middle distance glasses so I could read my piano music. They arrived yesterday and I sat down to play. That didn’t work so well as I was weighed down with thinking of how much Larry enjoyed hearing me play over the years, thinking of him sitting in the room with me just listening. I played 2 pieces and then couldn’t stop the tears, which turned into an ocean of grief. But just as I learned how to sleep in our bedroom again, I will learn how to play without him. Maybe not today, but sometime. When I’m ready.
I have lots of good memories, and no regrets about the past, just regrets we don’t get to enjoy a future together. I can’t help but feel lucky for the almost 23 years of marriage we did have, for our love story together.
So my brain will continue to dream as it works through this. I will measure the days, weeks, and months since 9:02 PM April 2, 2019. I will feel the weight of losing him in my life. These dreams, weights, and measures will not stop me from feeling joy again, moments of it now, hopefully growing more frequent in the future.